It is not physical solitude that actually separates one from others, not physical isolation, but spiritual isolation. It is not the desert island nor the stony wilderness that cuts you off from the people you love. It is the wilderness in the mind, the desert wastes in the heart through which one wanders lost and a stranger. When one is a stranger to oneself, then one is estranged from others, too. — Anne Morrow Lindbergh in Gift From the Sea
While blessed with lifelong friends from childhood, my college days and first jobs, it grows increasingly difficult to make and keep new, true friends. A while back (in a short time frame), several friendships turned and I wondered was it me…, or did others go through the same kinds of experiences? In my conversations with others, it has been apparent that we all struggle with interpersonal challenges, especially when life circumstances impede opportunities to meet new people as often as we might have when we were young adults.
There are all different kinds of friendships and all different kinds of “defriendings”. There might be the friend who after 4 months cuts off any opportunity to explore a deeper relationship; there might be the friend who declares a “defriendship” right away, or “defriends” you on Facebook. The worse kind of “defriending” comes in the form of a gradual decline in closeness where a friend no longer has the time to go shopping, sit for a latte or just hang out. When schedules are incompatible and friendship circles vary, the disconnect can be a deep source of sadness.
Introspectively, it may be helpful to ponder what role in each heartbreak we play. I did so and found 4 familiar themes emerging:
- Projection: Seeing what we want to see in each friendship, reading more into it than is there.
- Presumption: Presuming we have made an instant friend because we click right away with that person.
- Pessimism: Complaining and being a sad sack, burdening the relationship with negative self-talk.
- Pre-occupied: Becoming so self-centered that it is not possible to be there for others in their pain.
I am now aware of the role I’ve played in my own “defriendships” — projecting onto people what I wanted to see in them, presuming that we’d become close, and maintaining a pessimistic outlook and wallowing self-pity party that was burdensome to others.
It is up to ME to transmute the negative mindset and BE the kind of friend I want to experience in others. True friendship begins within, before it can be extended. Love is the guiding source.
Marina Agassi
I appreciate this entry for where I am in life. I too wonder, is it me? I’m compassionate, generous & really “there” for others. When crisis or joy came into my life recently it feels as though my friends didn’t show up. It hurt me especially because I would never allow them to put themselves out for me BUT the offer would be nice. I started to think maybe my friends (and family) viewed me as a put together person who didn’t need or want help. How do you help the helper?? I thought back on the many times I declined offers for help for simple things and how that may have hurt their feelings or “switched off” their sensor to reach out. It was easy for me to be upset thinking, hey I just had a baby, where is the love? I put myself out for them & maybe I shouldn’t have, maybe I was showing them the kindness I yearned to receive myself. But it didn’t stop them from taking. It reached a point where we just drifted away which is sad.
I do know that I do need to take help & to stop trying to be superwoman and I’m trying to expand on some friendships I’ve been sprinkling for awhile. Let’s see if things blossom 🙂
Brad
Temille, I would also suggest that while friendships can happen and deepen even if dislocated from one another (the physical isolation vs spritual isolation), for me and I would say for others,it can be difficult to maintain and deepen a romatic and loving friendship without the physical connection. Even with our techology, even with a strong spiritual connection, nothing subsitute for the physical.
Temille
So true Brad, there is no substitute for the physical connection. I also believe that delay of gratification, plus a strong spiritual connection can take a loving friendship to a deeper level that is sustainable as well as to a place that surpasses the sweetness of romance beyond imagination!
Marina, congratulations on becoming a new Mommy, one of the most sweetest and privileged honors on Earth! Receive all the love your heart can hold, release the same and watch what you have been “sprinkling” sprout and flourish; your tribe is on the way, and sometimes who shows up is a complete surprise!!! Be open and enjoy!